Christmas is about family, right???

So I have a few brothers. At least one by another mother.

My father, is well... not much more than a sperm donor. Sure, he was around occasionally when I was small. At the time I was afraid of him, so I am told, because I was too little to remember. He has had his stints in and out of jail... Failure to pay child support, stupid stuff like that.

He is currently in prison. I saw him about 5 years ago. that was strange. He usually sends the appropriate holiday cards, other than that I dont communicate with him. But that is my dad.

Recently, my dad's other son found me on facebook. he sent a add request but no note.

I added him. I mean, he is my brother, I should add him. It doesnt matter that i havent spoken with him since I was in college, more than ten or twelve years ago. We had written back and forth, because email was newish. But after he was hospitalized, i lost touch with him. Rumor has it he spent some time in prison as well.

He sees i will be in my hometown, so he asks to connect. I awkwardly agreed. How I agreed was not awkward, but the feeling i had was.

Tonight he called. He asked if I wanted to get together. I said yes. It was a short phone call. But we texted back and forth, as he tried to get to my mom's house.

He arrived with the smell of alcohol on his breath. I knew he had some jail house tats from his FB pics, so those were not a surprise. He mentioned his "girl" he showed up with his whole family. 3 girls and his girl. We took some pics of the cousins and then of he and i. the conversation was pretty shallow. What do you talk about with the brother you havent seen in 12 years? I didnt know either. that should read: "I still dont know."

yeah.... That was my evening.

Merry Kissmas?

Yeah I know...

I missed something on the title. I was just thinking of a very cute greeting from a very cute two year old!

This christmas vacation has been more hectic than normal. I know plenty of people who drive thousands of miles to be with family. I know lots of people who have to split up the holidays between families, trying to get face time in with everyone. Most people get a little spendy and tend to be short on cash flow.

But this year goes beyond that.

We headed back to our rental property to find our tenant breaking the lease and moving out mid december. Of course they left the house uncleaned and a few minor things broken... They hadnt paid december's rent so our already tight budget was severely strained. I don't share these things because I want you to feel bad, but so you get the idea of where I am coming from, hopefully adding to it.

All those things aside, it has been a good Christmas. I am not a big holiday person to begin with, but this was good. We spent time with the Wife's family and we are currently with mine. I didnt get any clever gifts, but i did get some pictures... my favorite kind, those of dead presidents!

I will "unwisely" spend some of the cash on a childish toy for myself, because really i am a big kid.

All that said, I am ready to be home. To sleep in my own bed. to not feel like i am in the way of somebody else's life. to escape other people's drama (i have plenty to worry about on my own).

I will end with, what I consider a funny story:

My son was a little preoccupied with the presents this Christmas season. Every time he mentioned presents i asked what Christmas was about. He would respond, somewhat unhappily, "Jesus Christ!" (Yes, the exclamation mark was intentional)

Because of his frustration with answering the question or whatever it was that made him answer that way... his legitimate response was nearly turned into a curse.

Whatever your lot in life, I pray that you have a Merry Christmas. Remember it is about Jesus Christ! His virgin birth.. He is God's gift to us!

Be blessed!

a couple of things.

First - when i talk to people more i blog less. True story.

second - my typing skills still lack.

c. I have been fairly introspective lately. By choice or otherwise.

In hearing discussions of those I work with, I see how I have grown, matured or maybe just became more lame.

"For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen"

Freshman - The Verve Pipe.

I used to think I was wise, I really did. I thought I knew what I was talking about. I knew what was going on around me. I was sure I could pick out false motives and spiritual legalism...

Now, I just have to question my own motives. Why was i trying to pick that stuff out?

A colleague of mine, while reading a book on spiritual disciplines was quick to call one man's requirement for his students legalism. I am sure if i had read the same thing 12-15 years ago I may have thought the same. Do I now? I am not sure.

I am not sure if I am becoming what I so strongly despised, or am I just understanding more of the reality of the world?

Magnified Plaid aka MxPx wrote these lyrics:

"legalistic people suck legalism makes me sick

i wonder what makes them tick? i wanna go puke on it
ephesians verse 2:8 states God has saved us not by works but by grace
so what's it gonna take? there's no getting thru to you
i'm way to young
to have a point of view

this whole thing just bums me out, Jesus knows my heart
but you don't care you've already made up you mind
i try to change my attitude but it's really hard
i'm so sick of you, God is gonna pull thru"

When i was younger I just about the first lines. Sure I still feel that way. It does annoy me, but who decided I get to be self-righteous? Oh wait, nobody. I have little to no business deciding that stuff.

Even getting annoyed at my co-worker is lame. I really dont want to be one of the people that so easily got on my nerves. But I think i more clearly understand why people would set standards and warn us against foolishness. (I still believe that un-Biblical standards can create big issues) Freedom and Grace are not excuses for being dumb. I think the Apostle Paul was clear on that. Some people like to say, "we have the right to....(fill in the blank)." "Rights" are an American thing... Jesus didnt write the "Bill of Rights."

The Idea is to grow closer to God. Dont focus on the other stuff, I think those things play out as we do move closer to God. When we strive for Holiness and godliness, certain things will fall by the wayside. But when we cling to the things that we want, they will be issues for a life time, causing us to stumble. Or at least be a point of contention with others, when we should be seeking peace.

*I believe that there are some issues that will forever remain "questionable," in that people will question them, though they may not be sins.

tears of a clown

i feel like crying...

I dont know why.

Letters...

I wrote a letter to God one day... i didnt mail it. I wasnt sure where to send it. So It sits in my Bible...

I am listening to pandora radio and a song came on that reminded me of a Marine that died in combat. At the time of his death, he was not the same guy that I knew years before. Much like I am not the same guy that I was years ago. But my letter to God would have read similarly... I think.

sensitivity is not my strong suit.

Really its not. Just ask my wife.

I am a talker... I talk too much, most of the time. And in doing so, I often say things I should not. It is problematic. I have been working on this issue for a while, but there are times when I just turn my filter off. "Stuff" just falls out of my mouth when I do.

There are other times when I say things and they are misinterpreted. That is a bummer.

Other times, because I try and be funny most of the time, serious comments are over looked as passing jokes.

Today another friend of mine asked, "Am I mean?"

I knew she was referring to something she had said at work... She called some one "Naive." Another co-worker covered their face and shook their head. As she explained, she decided "innocent" may have been a better choice.

I told her that she does have a way of making things sounds worse than she intends... and that people seldom hear he further explanation because the initial word choice or wording has already put them on edge and even sometimes on the defensive.

My suggestion was to think before speaking, she admitted that was the issue. But lets be honest, thats not always easy... and it is way less fun!

Our conversation turned to a speech class I had taken in high school. My teacher said that our "circles of understanding" never fully overlap. This is because of our life experiences and the personal connotation the words carry for us. They are are always, at least slightly, different.

Too bad we cant explain every word in every sentence. We dont have time....

I guess that is why we have to choose our words carefully from the beginning... knowing our audience, really helps too.

Italy?

So I checked the stats on my blog views... It appears someone in Italy has been reading this. Unless of course it is one of my friends that has re-routed the ip address to make it seem like they are in Italy.

I recently watched the new Karate Kid, which isnt about karate at all... I would like to take some time to write a review about it. I havent yet, and if i dont soon it will not happen. My thoughts are not congruent right now (as if they ever are), so I will try and write it later, but sooner.

Life is busy, just blog it!

Critical Spirit versus Critical Analysis

I made a "critic" joke at the end of my last blog and while it may have been a jab at someone, i mean it, I am not a good critic. I actually thought about looking into "How to do a critical review." I mean there has to be some science to it and a few formulas of how it is done. Not that I plan to make this a "review" blog, i just think it would be fun.

there are a lot of people out there that have, what I call a "critical spirit." You know the type, nothing is done right, everyone around them is wrong. They are always pointing out the faults of others and whatever they might see. There is seldom value in it. that may not be a dictionary definition, but that is how I feel about it. They just love to point out shortcomings, for whatever reason tearing things (and people) is where they find amusement. I dont believe that I know a lot of people that remain in that type of attitude consistentantly. But I know that I have fallen prey to it on occassion. Nothing an individual or organization does is good enough... I am eager to point out why they fail or how they do. I have to work hard, at times, to keep from falling into that trap.

in our office we try and do a loot of reviews, which is good. But I feel like I am bad it. My analysis often lacks. there are some things that I just plain and simple miss. My wife and I do often discuss events that we are involved in or that we experience... But I MISS a lot of things that other people see. I am not sure why... Life is in the details! haha.

Maybe that is why I want to learn more about doing a critical review, I want to see some of those things. A friend of mine reviews movies. He has said people comment that he "can't just enjoy" a movie or whatever. He holds that he can. For me I go into a movie and I just want to be entertained. "Are you not entertained?" For my friend I THINK the critical analysis is part of the entertainment. But I dont want to put words in his mouth.

I would like to be able to do a solid critical analysis and keep a critical spirit at bay. the Critical Analysis seeks to improve what is taking place while the Critical Spirit is very self serving. Obviously a movie critique is a little different, in the sense that the movie is not going to be remade to make the adjustments according to a review. I think you know what i mean... I guess i bring up the movie review because when I watch movies I just dont think about the things some one who does reviews does. I just want to know if I liked it. Did I laugh, what the action cool, was I entertained in general. The same is true when I look at an event or activity, I look at some major themes and not so much the details.

I have been doing "better" I think... at looking at more details.

I am trying to do a critical analysis of my analysis...

too sensitive?

Ok, So I just watched the video of a dear friend's grandfather's funeral. I know the place where the service was held, the people involved...

I was rather disappointed that the pastor referenced the "new" church building they have, umm lets see, about 6 times during the service. I understand the person who passed was a part of the church and even part of the "building" of the facility, but really?

I thought the funeral was about the person.

Why would you point out it is the "special" because it is the first funeral in the new building? Why would you say that most of your memories were in the old facility? The new one is only a couple years old. That would be like me saying "most of my memories of my wife were from anywhere but the place we have lived for two months. DUH!

I am sure I am just overly sensitive.

Somewhere I visited...

Recently I visited a local church, other than my own, duh! I wanted to share a bit about my experience…

On our arrival there were lots of signs, directing traffic, pointing out the kids area and offering information. There were actually people standing holding brightly colored signed as we drove into the converted warehouse area.

Many of the volunteers wear dressed according to the churches current series theme, which by the way, is rather interesting. I prefer not to share the specific theme. But many people were wearing cowboy hats, jeans and boots. You may have also thought you were at a monster truck rally, hmmm….

The parking is ill fitted for the capacity of people, but there were A LOT of people out helping direct traffic. They are new to the location and are still working out some kinks. My wife and I parked further away and walked. It was no further than walking from any given spot at Wal-Mart (which has the WORST parking lots ever!).

There were lots of smiling young (adult) faces as we walked in. Laura came up and welcomed me to the church, gave me some insight on my visit and how to score a free shirt. I am all about a free shirt…

The service started right on time with a themed song… I am ok with secular music. I may even listen to it more than I should. BUT I was a little distracted, when they said “Damn.” I know, I am on the liberal side of conservative, but really? Did you have to pick THAT particular song?

-It's been over a week since I started this... let's see how it ends.

Oh yeah, thats where I was (I had to re-read what I had already written).

By the third they said the "D" word I was becoming desensitized to it... Ok maybe not.

They followed that awesome song with two very well played worship songs. The band was tight, the kick drum was kickin! (They offer ear plus at the welcome center.) The horse shoe/fumanchu mustache the one singer had was more than I could handle. I had a hard time talking him serious. I really did want to hear more from the band when they finished playing. (several times I have heard amazing bands at church and they never play as much as I want)

A staff member welcomed everyone just before a well made informative video was played. It was called "Need to know." It contained two or three short announcements.

The lead pastor was wearing a shirt that was a little smaller than it should have been. He was also having a hard time with his mic and kept fidgeting with it as he spoke. I was rather disappointed in the message as a whole. I think I understood what he was saying But I felt the "theme" was a stretch for his message. He did not clearly communicate the meaning behind the theme or anything else for that matter. haha

After the pastor finished his sermon, the band returned to the stage to play another song to bring us into the presence of... the theme, Complete with ACDC and Def Leppard shirts. this time one of the guitar players was wearing a Pabst Blue Ribbon (beer) hat.

The band closed out with two more songs actually about God. The band seemed a bit more performance oriented rather interested in leading the church in worship. I believe it is hard to balance the two... because God deserves our best, and our heart should be soft before God (and taking people to the same place).

I did score a free T--shirt.... and they emailed me about my visit days afterwards.

Now, I am not a "critic," maybe a cynic, but Reviews aren't really my thing. Hope any of this made sense!

Great Expectations

There are two things that I am good at Math, Talking and cutting wood. In my current vocation cutting wood is way less common, but not completely out of the picture. In fact I really enjoy the opportunity to use this skill. If is generally fulfilling.

Talking on the other hand is very common place in my current situation; On the phone, in person and even giving presentations. I am in a training program right now, but have years of experience in a similar field. This last week I had to give 7-10 minute presentation in front of a group of 75 college students. That is not completely foreign. As a part of the training we had to give a “trial run” on the presentation. Honestly I was not ready for my trial run. It was a bit intense as one of our supervisors asked good but tough questions. My project teammate and I struggled to help others make sense of our sloppy Introduction. It was a little frustrating. We knew we weren’t ready for that, we didn’t even know we were going to be doing that. We generally put aside the critique as “non-personal.” Being something we had been working on it was a little tricky at times.

Fast forward a little, to the day of the presentation. The boss wants to see the presentation, oh boy. It still wasn’t ready, there was plenty of time before it was to be given, but it should have been further along than it was. Now, I don’t know that the boss or other supervisors have higher expectations because of my previous experience, but I do. I am sure that somewhere in the back of their minds they do, how could they not, they are human.

In just a few areas of my life I have really high expectations. I’m not sure if its my Gen X roots but I try and keep expectations low, less disappointment that way. I know, it’s a cop out. But I wanted that presentation to be perfect. I, against my natural inclination, wanted to shoot for the stars on that project. Selfishly, I wanted the supervisors, coworkers and my boss to say I did a great job. Of course I wanted the presentation to be useful for those hearing it, but I wanted the “professionals” to say I had done well.

The bummer is, most of that stress is self-induced. they never said it had to be "perfect." they do want it done well, which is why we have the critique time.

Even beyond the one project I want to do well, I want to succeed.

What is strange and holds merit for Its own blog is the idea of how much I have "gotten by." Times when i should not have"been passed." Or places I was allowed to "bend the rules." I have been in trouble before, but more often than not people havent told me I was wrong, for one reason or another. Maybe, just maybe, if not for these things I wouldnt have some of the weaknesses i do have. (it is still my fault: My weakness, my fault)

I am being called away... Until next time.

way back when....

I thought I had something to say… But now I wonder. Some one challenged us with the idea of vulnerability, you might say that “this blog has no name attached to so how are you being vulnerable?” There are a couple people who know me. And even just in front of those few it is hard.

Recently I have been going through Mark Batterson’s book Primal, not gonna lie it has challenged me. The concept (while I have not finished the book) is that we strip off the layers of tradition, getting back to the great commandment, love God with your Heart, Mind, Soul and Strength. Yeah, Yeah… I get it. But when he shared about how, when he was in college he cried and sought the face of God “more sincerely” (maybe that wording works). He recognized that something had changed, somewhere along the line, not that he did not love God, but it was not a maturation in his love.

Sometimes I look back to the times of my youth and the passion and fervor I had for God. My willingness to just stand in His presence, to weep, to praise Him to just give all I had. Along the way, I have become cynical, bitter and jaded. I can point out a few things that have shaped my worldview. But I don’t know how I got as far as I did… Please, I still love God and intend to serve with my life, but there are things that distract me. I don’t want to look with skepticism at the church or the things of God, but I know I do. I don’t think that is completely what Batterson was talking about, but it applies to my life, my story.

This week I stood at the front of the worship service I was attending, singing the songs of praise and processing these thoughts. I wanted to cry, I wanted to ball my eyes out. I wanted to lose control, well, I wanted to relinquish control. Maybe that is a better way to put it. I wanted…. I wanted the old days? I am not sure, if that is quite right either. I wanted the softness of heart that I had in my teens with the knowledge and understanding I currently posses.

I don’t spell well, so I don’t use words I cant spell, as I am typing in a word processing program that helps me you may get the correct spelling…

A friend of mine had taken a job, it was a big job. He did not have a full understanding of what the job really meant, the weight of it, responsibility all that good stuff. He said it was in his “naivety” that he took the job. Had he know what it really entailed he would have likely passed on the opportunity. But since he didn’t know what he didn’t know he has had an incredible learning experience. Tons of growth, not mastered but still advanced.

I only pray that I do not let what I know get in the way. Or should I say knowing what I don’t know! Enough of my typing and your reading (if you made it this far down), I need to get back to other things… including giving of myself.

a return to the park

I really want to start blogging again. I feel like my blogs will carry a different tone and feel than those of several months ago. Right now I am not even sure what my last blog said, as I am off line and cant see it.

As I have said many times before, this is just a place to get stuff out… But my intent is not to just whine and complain. Who wants to read that? Besides miserable people who somehow find comfort in the misery of others.

I have a new job, I live in a new town, a lot of miles and a lot of hours from where I lived before. I have made new friends, eaten new foods, learned new songs. It has been good, the commute is a bit of a pain, and by “bit of a pain” I mean it is annoying! Oh well, it could be worse.

I want to share about the traffic here, some of my new friends and a book I recently read, but I need to get back to work… So another time.

The First Cut is the Deepest

I am guessing the last guy cut from the team does not agree.

It has been a while since I have blogged, intentionally so. The recent termination of my job did put my family in a bit of a tailspin. I would like to say that we have recovered, but that would be a premature statement. We are doing ok, but there are moments when things are more frustrating than others. And of course times when things are better than others as well.

But here is the thing, here is the part that has been a killer...

"It's Awkward."

Having been at this most recent job for nearly 5 years we have connected with a lot of people, that is the point, ha! Those that we would have counted dearest must have found out that we have the Black Plague... Because that is how they have treated us. It is the strangest thing.

When we ask what the deal is, the response, is almost always, "well, its awkward." Gee, ya think? But explain how terribly uncomfortable it is for you... having your job and all?

Share how the possibility of relocating MY family is "awkward" for you and your family. I could go on about the awkwardness of the situation from MY end, but you will just think that I am a big whiner... and I may be. lol

I get it, you probably don't know what to say. You don't have to say a lot. In fact i told my aunt that she could call, she heard via a social network comment, but if she did call i wouldnt be offend that she had nothing to say. I mean we all want to know what that magic statement is, you know the one that makes it all better. Being spiritual, there are plenty of religious "encouragements" that one could draw from... Honestly, I wasn't looking for a "cure." I was looking for my friends to say that they would miss me, that they were concerned about me, that they were there for me (by "me" i mean the larger scope of my family).

All of the readers that I know that read, have done that, checked in, offered assistance, a listening ear... I appreciate that.

How awkward was it for you? oh yeah... that's right, not as awkward as it was for me.

blinded by my I's

i should have seen it coming?

but I did not.

Thursday evening I was called in by the board of directors at the small place in which I work...

well worked.

I was laid off... I like to say "fired"but that isnt accurate, it is just more potent in getting a reaction. Like much of the country/world the economy is slow. It has finally hit home for me. Literally, it has rocked our home.

My line of work often requires moves with the change of employment... Tonight we told our children that I will be getting a new job and that it might mean moving. They didnt take well to news, but kids are resilient. It breaks my heart to see them so sad.

There is always interesting things happening where I work... and if you are a regular reader you know that I said awhile back I probably need a new job. I just didnt think it was going to happen like that.

I am employed through the end of the month with a small severance package (when they let you go because they cant pay you, you cant expect a lot). We are grateful for what we getting for sure.

It is ok... Really we will be alright, so dont fret too much for us.

We trust God, He is bigger than the economy.