sorry...

First off, I would like to apologioze for writing such whining blogs. I am sure that some of it has to do with being on my man cycle, but since when has the time of the month made it ok to be crabby and whiny?
But thank you to all 3 of you who read this anyways!

I have been reading a lot lately. I wouldnt consider myself a big reader. But as I list books I have read people like to disagree. BUT... I read in spurts. I wont read for a long time, then I will read a bunch. Right now I am in the "lots of reading" season.
Currently I am in the middle of a book called "making room for leadership." It has some great stuff in it. It is looking at the physical use of our bodies in relation to leadership (weird huh?). It is talking about the use and misuse of power and influence. But it has been a little bit of an eye opener. But I have to admit that in the frustrated mood I have been in the books, while full of great stuff have not had the impact I would desire. Because of the slant of my mind, I havent picked up the stuff I need to improve on nearly as much as using it to point out the short comings of others. F+... I fail.

Ok that isnt quite fair, I have definitely been challenged by a lot of what I have been reading, it just takes extra effort to self analyze and do some introspection with it.

In other news, I had a professor from college tell me I should write a book. In facty he has been witing several years for a book I said I was going to write. I dont know that I ever really thought that I was going to write it. I just thought it was a clever title and a clever concept... well, ok, maybe not a "clever" concept.

In the most recent discusion with said prof, I madea negative comment about my writing. Being he was my English professor he probably didnt care for that. But He also didnt want me to sell my talents short. He insisted that I probably have several books to write. idk, thats kind of weird, I never really thought of myself as an author.

When discussing it at my inlaws, my mother in law gave me some grief when I said people wouldnt buy my books. This woman is a huge support and encourager. The humorous part is sometimes her words dont quite have the clarity that the hearer needs. (the really funny part is when she says, "you know what I mean." Well, actually, I don't...) But as I think back to what she was trying to say, I think I get it.

Well, that is all for now.

gripped by ... fear, maybe?

I dont know if fear is quite the right word. But I am at a crossroads, (is that supposed to be singular or plural?) as my last blog plainly stated I need a new job. In this economy you dont quit a decent paying job, because there are plenty of qualified people who cant find work.

There is someone who wants me to come work with them. As of right now they dont have the money, but they are working on it. I just received another email asking me to consider it. I think they have a great game plan, I like the leadership style.

The job would require a GREAT deal of change. Location, being the biggest thing. We are currently close to family, but this would take us from near family to anything except near family. Which also means selling our house... I dont pay much attention to "the market" housing, stock or otherwise, but I still know things arent great. but we have had two days in a row with the stock market up.

I really kind of feel like my current Job isnt going to get me anywhere. not in a completely selfish way (like i worded it) but there is no game plan to progress, and if there is it isnt being communicated from the top down. I am not sure that it is going to get anyone anywhere, which is a big problem. I do have more job security here... at least for the time being. then again how many people who have lost their jobs in the last year have thought that?

My kids have said they dont want to move again. I feel that. I dont like moving. In my profession there are too many who move to often. I dont want to be that guy. I beleive in loyalty, sticktuitiveness and other things that really mean that I am too lazy to move on.

the guy who invited me to come and at least check out what is taking place told me this: "Don't run FROM something, run TO something."

I have been pondering that thought, i think i understand the concept... who knows. I think there is often a little of either side involved in both sides. Really I think it means dont take a job JUST to get away from another job. being the emotional little girl that I am... I could probably talk myself into nearly any job There has to be more than emotions involved in the decision...

???

I need a new job. Really. I just dont know what to do. Where to do it. or any of that stuff. and oh yeah, the economy is still in the tank and I own a house. hmmm...

Kingdom of Heaven

I love the movie Kingdom of Heaven. It's visually stimulating, the plot (of the directors cut) is enjoyable, plus I am a fan of epic movies. But right now I cant seem to escape my connection with Orlando Bloom's character when he says he has lost favor with God. For the unfamiliar, Bloom heads towards the Holy Land to erase the sins of his wife (suicide) and himself (murder). He eventually makes it to Jerusalem, through a series of trials, including the loss of his recently found father. After spending the night on Golgotha, he tell a Priest/Knight that he has fallen out of favor with God. The Hospitaller says that he had not heard that, then Balian says that God does not speak to him, not even on the hill where Christ was crucified.

I do try and live my life for God. I am not always as disciplined as I like. And of course it is easier to "look" more disciplined in the public places... but what is done is secret is still known by God.

For nearly a year now I have felt like God doesnt speak to me. But I think it is more like I am not listening closely. A year ago, my world was turned topsy turvey. In what appears a "political move" I was demoted from my position at work. I was not perfect in my actions but the measures that were taken... welll... seemed a bit misplaced. I was given a job transfer in the same company, a lateral move, but one that destroyed any bit of momentum my department might have had. The people around me were told that it was a "promotion" but I had a piece of paper that had "sentenced" me to a 90 day disciplanry probabtion. Since then my spiritual life has suffered. Sure it had its ups and downs. Plenty of people around me felt like I had really grown/matured in that time. But today I want to fight back... not raise a stink about things, but I dont want to have to be the mature one. I dont want to be responsible. But that is another blog.

I work with teens at our church but feel like a complete fraud, because... oh yeah, I dont feel like I hear from God. It is not that I dont believe what I am teaching, because I do. I just... I just dont "feel" like I am hearing from God for my teachings. I can teach out of a book and I can probably deliver the teaching well, because I do ok at public speaking... but that is not enough. Most people wont understand my dilema. In fact only a "chosen" few will.

This is not because I am better than anyone else, but experience brings understanding in this case.

I wonder if I have given up on "hearing" from God too quickly... One night of prayer in a sacred place? yeah, probably not enough.