way back when....

I thought I had something to say… But now I wonder. Some one challenged us with the idea of vulnerability, you might say that “this blog has no name attached to so how are you being vulnerable?” There are a couple people who know me. And even just in front of those few it is hard.

Recently I have been going through Mark Batterson’s book Primal, not gonna lie it has challenged me. The concept (while I have not finished the book) is that we strip off the layers of tradition, getting back to the great commandment, love God with your Heart, Mind, Soul and Strength. Yeah, Yeah… I get it. But when he shared about how, when he was in college he cried and sought the face of God “more sincerely” (maybe that wording works). He recognized that something had changed, somewhere along the line, not that he did not love God, but it was not a maturation in his love.

Sometimes I look back to the times of my youth and the passion and fervor I had for God. My willingness to just stand in His presence, to weep, to praise Him to just give all I had. Along the way, I have become cynical, bitter and jaded. I can point out a few things that have shaped my worldview. But I don’t know how I got as far as I did… Please, I still love God and intend to serve with my life, but there are things that distract me. I don’t want to look with skepticism at the church or the things of God, but I know I do. I don’t think that is completely what Batterson was talking about, but it applies to my life, my story.

This week I stood at the front of the worship service I was attending, singing the songs of praise and processing these thoughts. I wanted to cry, I wanted to ball my eyes out. I wanted to lose control, well, I wanted to relinquish control. Maybe that is a better way to put it. I wanted…. I wanted the old days? I am not sure, if that is quite right either. I wanted the softness of heart that I had in my teens with the knowledge and understanding I currently posses.

I don’t spell well, so I don’t use words I cant spell, as I am typing in a word processing program that helps me you may get the correct spelling…

A friend of mine had taken a job, it was a big job. He did not have a full understanding of what the job really meant, the weight of it, responsibility all that good stuff. He said it was in his “naivety” that he took the job. Had he know what it really entailed he would have likely passed on the opportunity. But since he didn’t know what he didn’t know he has had an incredible learning experience. Tons of growth, not mastered but still advanced.

I only pray that I do not let what I know get in the way. Or should I say knowing what I don’t know! Enough of my typing and your reading (if you made it this far down), I need to get back to other things… including giving of myself.